Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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