omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
