Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
