apparently the secret to your success is patron
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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