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sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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