So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
