they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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