No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
