I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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