i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
