In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
i need to put some appletini on your dick
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
