I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
