meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Life is so much better after having sex.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i think im in europe. pls send help
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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