Capitaan dildo arrescate!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
