barbara walters just said penis...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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