you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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