my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
