you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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