Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
