Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
