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dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My liver just had a heart attack.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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