so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
