We won't sleep together?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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