His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
