My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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