Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
