You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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