I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
