Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
