you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
