If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
