I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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