i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
