I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Randomize
