i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
love makes seman taste better
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
