He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
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