im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You need a sexual gate keeper
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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