i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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