i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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