$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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