My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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