I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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