Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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