Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
