I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
