this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
