apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
