ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
