I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
