I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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